The alien sat at her desk tinkering with a smooth, shiny metallic object. This project for the humans had been keeping her busy for the last six days. Her two digit hands pushing buttons on the device and a small remote that controlled the device. Each push of a button yielded a response from the machine. Across the room, her mate entered and her work caught his eye.
“How’s it going?” He asked, walking over to her work station.
“Just finishing up.” She said proudly.
“Looks fantastic!” he said, gently sliding his bluish gray appendages over the smooth metal surface. “Looks like the old food processor.”
“It is. I made a few small modifications so it looks less, you know, ‘alien-y’. I made it smaller, more compact, I kept the self sanitation feature, and I added blades inside, so it won’t look too futuristic.” She then paused to explain. “It’s gotta look like it came from Earth. It’s the newest ‘invention’,” she said, using air quotes, “for the next infomercial.”
“What the heck was that?” he laughed, imitating her air quotes.
“Oh, human thing.” She replied. “It’s to signify that whatever is being referenced isn’t exactly as described. It indicates sarcasm.”
“Ah, interesting.” He smiled. “So we get a little cultural bit from them in exchange, huh?” he smiled.
“Yeah, along with those huge ass checks they send us for the ‘inventions’.”
She stepped over to the back corner of the room to retrieve a hard plastic shipping container, placing it on the table beside the mutilated appliance.
“I hope they like this one as much as the last one.” The male said.
“Well, the last one made Patty a millionaire, so, I imagine she’ll welcome a new gadget.” The female responded, referencing one of the infomercial ‘inventors’ she shipped items to.
“Ah, Patty; I thought this one was going to Brock.”
“Nah, he bought from another alien. But he does want some of our absorbent fabric. He said he thinks it’ll sell like crazy. … He was so excited when I showed it to him.”
“Well, at least we know their intense enthusiasm in the infomercials is real.” Her partner laughed.
She carefully arranged some soft cushion material inside the shipping container before placing the altered alien food processor in.
“They’re too enthusiastic!” She replied.
“No argument here.”
“And they’re just so weird!” She said with a hint of exasperation. “If you ask me, they’re not human!”
“Wouldn’t surprise me! They are kind of odd….and so loud and excitable.” He paused to ponder a moment. “You think they’re Kylorians in disguise!?”
“That’s as good a guess as I can make. Kylorians ARE an excitable species. They do resemble humans a bit. And they never stop talking….They could easily disguise themselves as infomercial hosts.” She said as she gently slid the device into its container.
This ‘invention’ would make its way to Earth, and in a few months time become the newest ‘amazing discovery’ in appliances. It would captivate the humans and compel them all to buy one because of the ‘space age’ materials that weren’t available anywhere else. And all the while, the humans would have no clue the device they were looking at was originally made by aliens and really did have materials from space. They would just be in a rush to buy the newest thing. And to fill those orders, hundreds of aliens would be employed to alter old alien food processors into the newest infomercial sensation. And in return, the aliens received huge payouts from the Earthlings.
She picked up her computer tablet to put in an order to have the invention picked up. Then she lifted it carefully and placed it outside of the door to their dwelling, awaiting the pick up.
“Now we wait.” she said.
****************** 3 Months later **********************
The male alien greeted his mate as she walked in the door.
“Hi honey! How was your day?”
“Eh.” She said shrugging.
Well, it’s about to get better! The check from the invention deposited about an hour ago and the film from it arrived too.” he held up a shiny disk.
“Great, let’s see it.” She said, plopping down on their couch in front of a large screen.
A plump brunette human female, Patty, appeared on the screen with the altered food processor in front of her. She was excitedly fondling the device while telling the audience that it would revolutionize the buyers’ lives, make them better as if it was somehow the key to living a happier life. Her smile was abnormally large, her voice loud and brimming with oddly unsettling levels of excitement. Her behavior was decidedly outside the norm for typical happy human behavior.
“Why do Earthlings think infomercial hosts are human?” The female alien asked the male.
“Beats me. …..I guess it’s easier than thinking that they might be aliens on Earth.” He replied.
“Mmmmm, makes sense.”
Turning back to the infomercial, the host proceeded to start throwing human foods into the device, then turned on the power. Fruits and veggies went maniacally spinning together in a nearly silent tornado of food before being poured out into a glass as a smoothie. The audience clapped frantically.
“I see you kept the low sound feature.” the male said.
” Yeah, I figured they’d like that.”
The sales pitch went on, the hosts’ chattering about the sleek, compact design, remote control functions and quiet, high speed spinning blades resulting in ‘Oohs’ and ‘Aahs’ from the audience. Then the host began talking about the processors’ so called blade sharpening feature.
“Wait, that doesn’t sound right.” The male alien said, turning to the female. “I didn’t think you altered it to do that.”
“I didn’t.” She sighed. “They never read all the directions and comments I send them; they just make crap up.”
The host went on, yammering on endlessly and excitedly, whipping the audience into an excited frenzy, eager to buy the food processor. Her smile practically bigger than her face,, her eyes looking like they were bulging out of her head with excitement, she looked almost nonhuman like.
“Definitely Kylorian.” The male alien said. The female alien nodded in agreement.